Follow your heart

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One small positive thought....

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Respect yourself

Comfort Zone

From time to time decide to step outside of your comfort zone rather than allow life to do it for you.  I just need the confidence.
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Hang in there baby

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Fat and sane or skinny and insane

It took months for my clinical psychiatrist to get the right combination of drugs to stabilise my deep depression.  Then suddenly I stopped crying.  The first few days I was walking on a cloud.  Now, a year on, they help me get through a day.  I don’t smile, laugh or enjoy anything.  I exist. 

The combination of drugs is complicated apparently – venalflaxine, quetiapine, mirtazapine and zopiclone.  Whenever I collect my monthly prescription I am overawed at the amount of tablets there are.  I’ve never been one to reach for a paracetamol or disprin at the first pang of pain.

OK, the drugs have stabilised my mood and my self-harming is under control.  But the side effect has been a huge amount of weight gain.  I don’t eat huge amounts of foods, limit my intake of chocolate and exercise each day. 

Whatever has been going on in my life I have always controlled my weight – not by the healthiest means though.  Starving myself, munching on laxatives, excessive exercise, diet tablets.  So the extra weight I am carrying now is awful.

Hating my body, even at my skinniest, has been a lifelong sentiment.  No I really can’t face my reflection or look at the vast expanse of flesh.

So the question is  fat and sane or skinny and insane?  I know which I prefer!

Smile

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What people think

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Silent-for-a-Time-Last Jeannie-Lynn-Paske

“There is a world tucked away behind this one. An old world made up of endless fields,distant hills and timeworn cliffs. A place where the sun is always setting. A land in which extinct slow-moving monsters and elegant gentle-faced creatures of all shapes and sizes reside. Delicately balancing their hope with despair. Reminiscent of long departed dreams and uncollected thoughts. Time stands still here, so as to let the residents gaze in solitude upon the vast, richly textured skies. Forever in search of a place to better sit and watch their world pass them by.”

Wonderful illustrations from Portland, Oregon based artist Jeannie Lynn Paske.

Could be worse

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Why the wrong choices?

The more I think about my relationships I wonder why I have made so many wrong choices.  Can I really blame a father who left me when I was five?  Or is it the fact that I was never able to create long term friendships at school?  The fact that nothing I did was ever good enough for my mother.

I don’t know.  But blaming others is not the answer – I have made these choices. 

I do need to be liked so I suppose many will feed off that need – they smell the weakness.  The need to be loved, liked accepted, wanted, needed is desperate.  It’s my own insecurities that have lead me to make so many wrong relationship choices.