New Years Eve

You must have fun on demand - whoever you are, whatever you are feeling, wherever you are – it is obligatory.  It’s a more difficult evening/night than Christmas Eve.

Saying goodbye to something, to people has always very proved very difficult for me – at an early age my father left, two great-grandmothers passed away, my Nan moved away. 

New Years Eve is another day, tomorrow will be the same – resolutions made (yes I have some which I will share at some stage), but in all sense nothing changes.
 
I remember the great celebration of 2000 – I was being thrown around and beaten up by a boyfriend – that was 14 years ago.  What have I achieved since then?  I’ve moved about seven times, had three jobs, changed career, received crisis care at home, been admitted to the mental health ward, four failed suicide attempts and in a relationship that has no communication or feeling .  Last year I vowed I would not be in that same relationship, but here I am because “I’m not capable of being without him; I wouldn’t be able to cope”.  I could go out to a friend’s party tonight but I’m being guilt tripped into staying indoors. 

 
The road to recovery is a slow and long one.  During this break from work I feel I have made some strides – I know I can survive out of this relationship, I’ve applied for jobs meeting my skills, joined a gym, and been to church (where I have felt the most relaxed in ages).

 
I’m not out having fun in the big crowds but I know I am stronger and more focused than I was 12 months ago.

If you want to fly....

http://www.anonymousartofrevolution.com/2012/10/if-you-want-to-fly-give-up-everything.html#!/2012/10/if-you-want-to-fly-give-up-everything.html

Headlines

There is a very sad story in the news today about a teenage mother found on fire in the street.
First thoughts are to her family and friends then to be selfish to me. That was me - I I had thought when my top caught fire I did the mandatory drop and roll - but I didn't - I did the run, it won't catch me.  Only some quick thinking friends ensured it did not get worse.  The aftermath will remain forever.

To everyone - please take care of every naked flame.

You can't do that!

You can't do that has been the mantra of my life.

Wanting to go further with ballet classes - "you're too clumsy".  Loving music I played the violin but wanted something else so offered up a couple of choices - drums, "far too masculine, you can't do that", saxophone "your cheeks will get big, you can't do that".  My love of playing the violin waned.

Still loving music at 14 I declared I want to be a DJ, I love music - "you're too quite, you can't do that"!

So I rebelled against every note that had been learnt opting for loud in your face music.  Enjoying seeing local bands in local bars and travelling across London to hear obscure sounds.

A large child my focus on music had gone what could  I focus on now?  Food.  Being home alone for a couple of hours each evening after school  I would gorge on weird dried connections sch as frieze dried mashed potato with flour, icing sugar & water. My evening food was either eaten, thrown up or hurriedly thrown away.  On a Sunday i would cook a roast - I loved being in the kitchen, in control.  During my A levels I worked in a  hospital kitchen as well as making crickets teas for twelve schools teams and football teas (sausage, beans and mash) for as many.  Including taking half time orange slices out to them.  All before the the age of 16. 

Catering,  I enjoy I thought.  So rather than university I applied to catering colleges.  Upon interview letters I was told by parents - "you don't want to do that, you can't cope in a working kitchen, you don't want to do hospitality".  So I didn't - my eating disorder spiralled out of control - 50+ laxatives a day, little food, I weighed less than six stone.

At the same time I thought about a sandwich business, delivering to local offices - "don't be stupid, that won't work" - in the days prior to Pret a Manger etc.  How it would gave worked!

Each time I have tried to do something positive to change my life it's been "you don't ant to do that" but if I do something that goes wrong there is no verbal warning.  Why?

All my life I've carried the "you can't do that" mantra with me - it needs to be shaken off.  because what I have done has been a disaster - so surely what I want to do (be a mother, live in a home where all are welcomed, be successful in business, a marriage that works, you bounce off each other) which has never changed in all my life.



 

be happy

from http://speakingthewords.imgfave.com/page:2?after=15527470

Sleeping

Medication is required to enable me to sleep at least four hours. I wake and when it's a work day get up. Being off work for the last couple of days I've gone back to sleep - though it's been tiring.  But whenever I go back to sleep or I have no tablets my dreams are of the same genre.

Me wanting to make a difference in speech or doing, but no one taking notice,  Then all of a sudden my suggestions happen.  (Like real life). And my worst - my continual being late for something important, rushing to make the time but I am faced every hindrance possible.  I tend to wake up exhausted never knowing.

Part of me knows my nighttime mind movies - I so want to be lstened to, to make a difference, to be the one noticed for the right reasons. 


 

Back to basics

I went to Church today - the first time in a very long time.  I've been having discussions with myself about attending a service for many months, years in fact.  The argument always fell on the side of why both, if there's a god here's around you - and what on earth is this god doing with the world?

After my accident earlier this year a priest and a sister came to visit me in hospital - their presence was calming, non-judgemental.  but it has taken till now to enter a Church.

As soon as I did - I felt calm.  The rush of emotion was difficult to hold back.  Being around people was soothing, listening to the words from the Bible and the Priest comforting.  The words of the service came forth as if I'd said them last week.  The aroma of incense as i remembered.

The most poignant words for me though were - Christmas starts today and goes on for twelve days until Epiphany, it does not end tomorrow.  I feel for those who will be queueing now for the sales and even more for those who have to head off the stampede.

I enjoyed going to the service and will continue to do so.

Crazy Christmas Commercialism

“I wish it could be Christmas every day” – Bah humbug!

When you’re at any December/Christmas event – cheesy songs blast out dictating you must comply and be happy.

It’s always been a difficult time of year.  I can never remember believing in Father Christmas – perhaps I’ve always been sceptical.  A traumatic event in early childhood has remained with me – until I left home at 17 I was always ill over Christmas.  Then I spent many Christmas days on my own, which were fine or helping out somewhere (which were great).

The story, as written, is wonderful and if for just one day there is peace in the world – it is worthwhile.  But it won’t be so - my pessimistic outlook on the real world without adverts.  There are too many suffering, too many that go without and for too many that it is not a cause of celebration but a time that emphasis how hard it is to breathe.

I find Christmas is the time I make resolutions for the year ahead whilst contemplating the previous 12 months, perhaps because it’s the turning point in the calendar.

Freedom

Visit thelionthewitchandthoseshoes.tumblr.com

Looking sad

My routine is to request the next months medication at two days to go - it gives enough time to collect the prescription and the medication. For me it works – I know I’ve taken tablets each day and whilst I have a lot of tablets I can cope with the amount prescribed each month.

This month a repeat prescribed was denied without a review with the doctor – it meant four days without medication – I was in turmoil – especially without Zopiclone , I could not sleep.  And yes I know, it’s a sleeping tablet and there are articles about addiction to sleeping enhancements. 

After a number of ‘phone calls and a complaint email I was given an appointment.  My aim from the meeting was to reduce my medication.  A series of questions later I’m told that with the amount of medication I’m on I should be “swinging from the trees”.  I’m afar doing that.  A suggestion of changing medication was made – it makes me nervous so have agreed to see my doctor again in four weeks time.

He chastised me for always re-ordering my prescription rather than asking for an appointment  as the last time he saw me was eight months ago..  He told me I looked very sad - the asddes thes seen me.  In the past I've been distressed, 

For someone who just gets on with it and of there are the tools to do so – that’s what I will do.  I don’t ask for help until I really need it.  And then I find people don’t want to help.. So what is the point.

Before my severe depression was considered I used over the counter sleeping aids for many years – the effect which diluted.

Through the medication I know I have more coping mechanisms but my weight has increased so much.  There have been a couple of sessions where I have tried to go cold turkey but is has been very hard.  Recently I’ve self reduced medication.

I hate relying on medication to make a day in the life bearable.

 

Paul Weller Black is the Colour

Pharrell Williams - Happy (Official Music Video)

You cannot help but smile, sing along & dance to this tune!  Happiness!

"I'm still learning"

From Beautiful Minds

 



I hear it so many times from people – oh I’m too old to learn something new, what good is learning something new to me now – these are people in their 20s, 30s & 40s.  Such closed minds.  There is always something new to learn – however old you are, whatever you are doing whether it be active or relaxing (a skill to be learned).

A few years ago there was a lady in her 90s who had just earned her second degree – I felt such admiration for her and inspiration from her.  My Grandparent’s whilst they did not get second degrees were always seeking out new learning as do my parents.  Is that why I have little patience for those who close their minds?

Learning to live with my depression, understanding when I feel myself being pulled into that large black hole has been very difficult.  I’m slowly learning to sit with myself, if I want to read so be it, if I want to watch TV then I’ll do that.  It’s very hard.  Most challenging is writing about how I feel, verbalising in text.  I wanted to just post the quote from Michelangelo – not comment on it – on reflection I decided to write.

A few months ago I received confirmation I had been accepted on an Arts Degree – so excited, I was ready to embark on practical modules.  To my horror the first exercises were to write about oneself, reflect whilst not being critical.  Gosh, so difficult.  I’ve deferred my first assignments.  I can embark upon on soliloquy of self detriment, destruction, verbal flagellation.  Learning to write a balanced pen portrait is ongoing. 

At work I always provide to others a balanced view – what if you did this, look at a problem that way.  So I can do it.  But not for myself – what I do know about myself now, is that I am, determined and will not give up.

Not giving up on learning is something we should all embrace – whoever you are, whatever you do.

Children, food, diet, careers....choices, loses

As a child I knew I wanted children.  Not because I played with dolls or was maternal in any way - I just knew - I wanted nurture and love another living thing so much.

A large child I was ridiculed about my weight not by school peers but by my family - "fatso", "funny face".  And also by peers as I was so useless as sport.  But there were other girls larger me, they didn't get picked on as they could catch a ball, play netball, tennis etc.

I was cooking footballs teas for over 100 people by the age of 15 (sausage, beans, mash) and cricket teas for the same amount during the summer (sandwiches, cakes etc).  My summer job was working as  catering help for a private hospital.  Whilst I enjoyed making & preparing, eating was not a joy.  I had so many dislikes and was very fussy about how things were cooked.

The summer I turned 16 I lost alot of weight,  I loved it.  Clothes were loose, I could see my ribs.

My parents advised me against a catering college course (which I had dreamed of) as I disliked food so went into banking (yawn) and have never been happy since chasing the ideal career.

Food became a foe - I wanted to eat what I enjoyed but wanted to be skinnier and skinnier.  So grew my obsession with exercise (the glorious pain), monitoring very mouthful yet guzzling pot fulls of laxatives a week.

I got to just above five stone still thinking I was fat.  I fell pregnant but my body could not withhold the strain.  So miscarried at 16 weeks. I was pregnant six times in total - each time to 16 weeks but was told my body could not withstand the strain (I'd also had a good few beatings in an earlier life).

I hate that now I am past the recommended child bearing years, that I suffer from depression so have been rejected for adoption. 

Wanting and having a child is not a pipe dream, it was my one dream yet it has eluded me - and I hate myself for it.  Other manage it, abuse the gift they have been given.

When people moan about their children and what a burden they are - I want to shout and scream - give me that burden rather than the one of wanting something so much that others can have so naturally, yet I can't.  And ion that you are made to feel so inadequate - you're not a mother you won't understand.

I want to curl up and forget everything.

 

Nelson Mandela

The passing of such an man who has influenced and touched the lives of all the world shows how fragile we are in birth, life and death.

 

Graze

I signed up for Graze boxes. My fourth arrived today.

Thing is - I get so excited I have to open up each packet to try them all at once. I can't save them.. Then I mix them up (as long as it's not savoury & sweet).

Honestly - that little brown package every two weeks is sooo thrilling!

Last weekend I had popcorn - best half hour this year, cooking the corn in the microwave, seeing the bag expand, pop!pop!...silence. Time to open the door. Open the bag, steam,ooch - who cares how hot it is. The aroma!

No other half, sofa, Murder She Wrote - popcorn!

Bliss!

 

 

What do you mean I'm not a bear...

Post by Word Porn.

Faithless - God Is A DJ (Live At Alexandra Palace) [HQ]

Bad taste

Asda and Tesco withdraw 'psycho' patient outfits http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24278768

An asbolute disgrace they two large supermarkets should consider stocking the costumes. 
I suffer from mental health - I'm not a "psycho", "mental" or "violent".  There are many others like me who live a normal life. I am so angered by the costumes and the ignorance of people who felt it would be OK to sell them. 

Living with mental health is easier than living with the stigma - scandal helps increase awareness of stigmatisation.

Paul Weller No Tears To Cry Jools Holland Later Apr 13 2010

Thin Lizzy-Whiskey in the jar

Noel Gallagher & Paul Weller - The Butterfly Collector

Eastenders - 19th September 2013

Lack of trust with parents and why Lauren drinks.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/b03bd64l/


So, so very insightful.
And not something explored with my counselling.

Sports day - past memories

Why today I thought about the only sports day I ever went to - I have no idea but the dreadful memory has come back to me.

Junior school, the overweight, over developed, spotty girl - useless at any sporting activity so I'm put in for the obstacle race.

I have no friends in school - people think I'm weird and ugly so avoid me.  My mother and step-father are not there as they are working.

The sports day is in a park mid-way between the school and home which is a mile away along a busy high street.

The race starts - I'm slow because I just am and because I've never been that competitive in a sporty way.  Doing all the obstacles with the best skill and desterity I can muster until it comes to a forward roll.  Never been able to do one before or since - they make me feel really sick.  I stood there by the mat - paralysed by fear unable to think about not being able doing the darned thing but psyhing myself up to do it (I am very self competitive).

The crowd - parents and fellow students - started shouting "do the forward roll, do the forward roll"  followed by "just run, just run" interjected with "you fat, ugly cow" - I could do neither.  So I cried, peed myself and ran off to an empty home.

I'd erased that memory - why has it come back today?

Apocalyptica - Fade to Black

New Order vs Depeche Mode vs Daft Punk - (Sterbinszky and Coddie Mashup)

Caro Emerald - Completely LIVE for Smooth Radio

So talented.

A wonderful message..

In this world of social media the drop of a letter on a door mat normally means a bill or yet more junk mail.  Today though I was welcomed with a handwritten envelope.  I knew it was from mum.  Inside was a handwritten card which said -

!The accident served to show how strong you are; a unique quality and strength, fundamental to you.  You are a whole person, mind, body & spirit!"

I wanted to share.

Adversity

How come some people seem to be able to drift through life with no or few problems or heartaches?  or do they but do not share their experience.  On the surface are they like swans but paddling furiously underneath?

And what makes you a stronger person?  Is it having to face adversity a postive life experience?  How different would we be -

• those who had "sailed through life" having to live a life with peaks and troughs of misfortune and difficulty
• and those who had lead a tapestry filled life of tales of woe to be one of lifes fortunates?

Dies it work like that?  I do wallow and say woe is me as my life as not panned out as I envisaged it.  each time I try to put it back on track it dets derailed.  But I keep trying.  If I hadn't faced adversity could I cope with the knock downs?

I don't know but take comfort in the following quote posted on Pinteresdt bydeepscythe.com



 

Update

It's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote - it's amazing how cathartic the act of writing is.  This blog is very open which is why I have to take a break of a few days or weeks to internalise feelings before sharing.

My burn is healing well - just a few "naughty" bits that are defiant to the burn creams and treatments.  The dressing is much less bulky now which is a blessing in the current high temperatures.  Though i have been an absolute grump as it's been so uncomfortable and smelt an aroma.  The nurses advise me the one of the dressing they use does have a distinct smell.

I have PTSD as I'm not able to think about the accident.  I've only just been able to look at a fire on the TV but with trepidation.  Treatment starts in earnest this week.

 

Compartmilasation

The wonderful nurses who change my dressings three times a week tell me my burn is getting better. Following the physiotherapist exercisess my movement is so good they don't need to see me again.

However, the psychologist tells me there is more work to do.

Last week I was on a high - I'm OK, I;, dealing with this, any memories or flashbacks I bat away, I get smell memory so cover my nose. My way of dealing with it - but apparently not good - these aversion tactics are symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome).

I've also been very good at compartmentalising a situation (for example being raped) into a box- it's happened, put it away.

Numerous compartmentalising led to my breakdown a few years ago so I am trying my best not to do so with my burn injury,. It is so hard to do.

The Eastender episode tonight was building up to a fire moment - I had my ears, eyes & nose covered for the majority of the episode.

The hospital are helping me through this and I am thankful that they consider the feelings of individuals and the circumstance as opposed to taking a one size fits all attitude.

Healing

My dressings are being changed three times a week.  I'm told everything is healing well.  I say I'm told as I've not ye mustered the courage to look.  Next week i will be working through this with the psychologist.

Whilst I continually praise the wonderful care and support from the staff at Nottingham City Hospital they also say I am playing my part - being positive, eating healthily & drinking fluids.

The counselling and encouragement received guiding me out of my deepest darkest corners of acute, deep depression is certainly helping me now.

Not easy - but I am determined not to be beaten!

Depression

I adore this image.  It is so thought provoking, sad and gorgeous.  Being in the depths of depression is akin to a huge, heavy cloud following and bearing down on you. 

Found at fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net - the name at the bottom of the image is Victor Nazarenko

A Delicate Constitution

I've always been a queasy person - fainting in biology at school and not lasting more than an hour in any first aid course!  Overhearing a conversation between two ladies on a tube train one evening coming home from work I had to alight before my scheduled stop - their conversation - a sprained ankle.

So it's with this mindset I have yet to venture my eyes on my healing burn.  I'd accidentally touched a small part on my elbow whilst putting cream on and had to sit down as I felt light headed.

A big step forward at my hospital appointment today I looked at photos of a burn to someones foot.  the stages I saw were a year on, a month on, and seventeen days on form the accident.  After hot sweats, panic attacks I looked and was amazed at how well the persons burn had healed.  I need to now transfer that image onto my arm to envisage it healing under the bandages.  It was felt that I need not look at photos nearer to a burn accident as I had passed that point.   My accident occurred just under three weeks ago.

Now when the nurses who change my dressings say the burn is healing I believe them.  The skill of the surgeon, care of ward nurses, physiotherapist, psychologist and outpatient nurses are an amazing part of the healing process.

 

Diminish the stigma

There's lots of good work being done but there is so much more to do. I work in public sector and am trying to raise awareness of mental health conditions and to eradicate the stigma attached to it.  

It's certainly very small steps with lots of excuses as to why we shouldn't be advocating such a campaign but I shall not be stopped. 

Ideas welcome.

http://diminishthestigma.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/logo/

Today...

My dressings were changed again today at the Burns Outpatient clinic.   Everything is healing well apparently which is fantastic but it means the time for me to look and touch creeps ever closer. I have another visit on Wednesday to talk further about this next stage including looking at photographs if I choose.

I also had time to speak with the psychologist which helped and I am using some of the skills learnt from the therapy received during my darkest days of depression which I continue to use. 

Flashbacks are becoming more recurrent which is normal in the first month after such a trauma but beyond that they should be less.  In recent days I am experiencing smell memory which is proving more difficult to deflect than images.  I know I need to accept, not live in the past and focus on the here and now.

Not being able to drive I took public transport to the hospital.  The reason for being so insistent on taking public transport as opposed to replying on cabs is that I do not want to get into the position of being too scared to venture outside again. As well as my need for independence and not doing what people tell me to do!  The bus journey took 10 minutes and walking to the bus stop meant breathing in wonderful fresh air.

My return from hospital was greeted by a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my brother.

Woe is me....

...that is how I feel today.  I think I'm entitled to a small amount of self pity.  The question that keeps going round in my head is "why is me", "when will the bad stuff stop"?

Two weeks after my burn I am trying to be positive - yesterday I had my first ever facial, manicure & pedicure.  I also had my hair cut.  I went to my usual hairdressers - The Hairdressers http://www.thehairdressersnottingham.co.uk/.  They were extremely wonderful and I had the most relaxing time. 

Today I feel very down and teary.

Then again - is it because it's a Sunday?  Sunday's have always been the day I have felt most alone and down.  As a child I would take myself off pretending to meet non existent friends but would wander the streets on my own perhaps venturing into a park to view from a safe distance families having fun together or friends playing.  When shops started to open on a Sunday I would wander around these just to be around people.

Sundays heighten my sense of loss and my feelings of worthlessness.

I keep looking at my pretty painted fingers and toes (vain & superficial I know) to brighten me up.  This morning I had a clean and tidy around the house. 

To help me a heal a positive attitude is paramount but I must also acknowledge and accept what has happened.  Extremely difficult.

BBC news story - mental healthj

This morning BBC news ran a story about mental health following the admission by Stephen Fry of his suicide attempt last year.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-22796593

Mental health remains a taboo subject but it shouldn't be.  If we spoke about how we feel without the risk of judgement then perhaps we would all feel better.

A rather "pollyanna" and simplistic way of looking at mental health but it is OK to ask someone how they feel and it is OK to say - feeling a little blue today.

I didn't speak about my mental health issues, if anyone asked how i was it was"Fine thank you".  The few times I was truthful the responses were - "pull yourself together", "keep your pecker up", "stop feeling sorry for yourself", "there's people worse off than you".  Meaningless cliches because few people know what to say.  These sentiments made me angrier and delved me deeper into depression - I didn't feel sorry for myself and I knew there were people worse off than me.

Let's educate each other - I am a strong follower of http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ - the campaign to end mental health discrimination.



 

Yet another hurdle....

I'd finally accepted that taking anti-depressant medication was gong to be part of my life for the long term foreseeable future.  The medication had helped to increase my weight and clothes size to proportions I was not pleased about but I knew I had to accept it.  Exercise was becoming more and more part of my life and I was shopping for clothes that suited my shape ignoring the sixes printed on labels (they fluctuate so much depending on where you shop!_.

Two weeks ago I was invited to a birthday party - only a few months ago I would not have accepted but I did.  It was a small group of lovely people - lots of laughs and sharing of memories.  The garden was beautiful decorated with candles.

I'd spent time getting ready finally settling on jeans and  batwing t-shirt.

At the end of the evening waiting for a taxi I leaned against a wall - I hadn't seen the tea light.  The next thing i was in hospital in accident & emergency. 

I'd used my fire training and laid myself on the floor to help extinguish the flames, people at the party doused me in water and cut my top off so it would not stick.  I passed out until in A&E.

A ten day stay in the burns unit at my local hospital ensued.  The care I received was absolutely amazing from the doctors, to nurses and the domestic staff.  Physio and psychological help were on and and will continue to be. 

I am fortunate in that the burn was from my shoulder to my elbow and did not go n my face.  To help repair the area I have had a skin graft the donor area being from my thigh.

Being in a fire was and remains my worst nightmare.  I am so careful around fire, flames etc - I hate lighters never being able to use them properly, matches I light over the sink, gas fires I never use nor gas ovens,.  candles & tea lights are always in a protective holder. 

The need to remain positive is extremely important to me - over the past few days I've asked - why me? why can't anything good happen to me?.  The dark hole that captured me through my chronic depression beckons but I must remain strong.

 

Control

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net via alexandra on Pinterest

Jewelled colour pouffe

These jewelled coloured pouffes make me smile!

Spring flowers always make me smile

Source: Uploaded by user via Cécile on Pinterest

Why can't I cry?

Gosh - feeling extremely down today - the type of day when a good cry would help but I can’t. A heaviness sits on my chest with a dark cloud hovering over my head.  Before taking anti-depressants tears flowed easily, at times far too easily but the medication has dried up my tears.

Does that mean all of my emotions have dried up- laughing and smiling are distant memories.  Love???

Have I become a empty husk?

 

It's been a long time...

...since I wrote anything on this blog or on paper relating to my depression.  My head is full of emotions and experiences but somehow they feel safer locked away.  For the short term maybe..but it's time to put to pen to paper again and release them.