New Years Eve

You must have fun on demand - whoever you are, whatever you are feeling, wherever you are – it is obligatory.  It’s a more difficult evening/night than Christmas Eve.

Saying goodbye to something, to people has always very proved very difficult for me – at an early age my father left, two great-grandmothers passed away, my Nan moved away. 

New Years Eve is another day, tomorrow will be the same – resolutions made (yes I have some which I will share at some stage), but in all sense nothing changes.
 
I remember the great celebration of 2000 – I was being thrown around and beaten up by a boyfriend – that was 14 years ago.  What have I achieved since then?  I’ve moved about seven times, had three jobs, changed career, received crisis care at home, been admitted to the mental health ward, four failed suicide attempts and in a relationship that has no communication or feeling .  Last year I vowed I would not be in that same relationship, but here I am because “I’m not capable of being without him; I wouldn’t be able to cope”.  I could go out to a friend’s party tonight but I’m being guilt tripped into staying indoors. 

 
The road to recovery is a slow and long one.  During this break from work I feel I have made some strides – I know I can survive out of this relationship, I’ve applied for jobs meeting my skills, joined a gym, and been to church (where I have felt the most relaxed in ages).

 
I’m not out having fun in the big crowds but I know I am stronger and more focused than I was 12 months ago.

If you want to fly....

http://www.anonymousartofrevolution.com/2012/10/if-you-want-to-fly-give-up-everything.html#!/2012/10/if-you-want-to-fly-give-up-everything.html

Headlines

There is a very sad story in the news today about a teenage mother found on fire in the street.
First thoughts are to her family and friends then to be selfish to me. That was me - I I had thought when my top caught fire I did the mandatory drop and roll - but I didn't - I did the run, it won't catch me.  Only some quick thinking friends ensured it did not get worse.  The aftermath will remain forever.

To everyone - please take care of every naked flame.

You can't do that!

You can't do that has been the mantra of my life.

Wanting to go further with ballet classes - "you're too clumsy".  Loving music I played the violin but wanted something else so offered up a couple of choices - drums, "far too masculine, you can't do that", saxophone "your cheeks will get big, you can't do that".  My love of playing the violin waned.

Still loving music at 14 I declared I want to be a DJ, I love music - "you're too quite, you can't do that"!

So I rebelled against every note that had been learnt opting for loud in your face music.  Enjoying seeing local bands in local bars and travelling across London to hear obscure sounds.

A large child my focus on music had gone what could  I focus on now?  Food.  Being home alone for a couple of hours each evening after school  I would gorge on weird dried connections sch as frieze dried mashed potato with flour, icing sugar & water. My evening food was either eaten, thrown up or hurriedly thrown away.  On a Sunday i would cook a roast - I loved being in the kitchen, in control.  During my A levels I worked in a  hospital kitchen as well as making crickets teas for twelve schools teams and football teas (sausage, beans and mash) for as many.  Including taking half time orange slices out to them.  All before the the age of 16. 

Catering,  I enjoy I thought.  So rather than university I applied to catering colleges.  Upon interview letters I was told by parents - "you don't want to do that, you can't cope in a working kitchen, you don't want to do hospitality".  So I didn't - my eating disorder spiralled out of control - 50+ laxatives a day, little food, I weighed less than six stone.

At the same time I thought about a sandwich business, delivering to local offices - "don't be stupid, that won't work" - in the days prior to Pret a Manger etc.  How it would gave worked!

Each time I have tried to do something positive to change my life it's been "you don't ant to do that" but if I do something that goes wrong there is no verbal warning.  Why?

All my life I've carried the "you can't do that" mantra with me - it needs to be shaken off.  because what I have done has been a disaster - so surely what I want to do (be a mother, live in a home where all are welcomed, be successful in business, a marriage that works, you bounce off each other) which has never changed in all my life.



 

be happy

from http://speakingthewords.imgfave.com/page:2?after=15527470

Sleeping

Medication is required to enable me to sleep at least four hours. I wake and when it's a work day get up. Being off work for the last couple of days I've gone back to sleep - though it's been tiring.  But whenever I go back to sleep or I have no tablets my dreams are of the same genre.

Me wanting to make a difference in speech or doing, but no one taking notice,  Then all of a sudden my suggestions happen.  (Like real life). And my worst - my continual being late for something important, rushing to make the time but I am faced every hindrance possible.  I tend to wake up exhausted never knowing.

Part of me knows my nighttime mind movies - I so want to be lstened to, to make a difference, to be the one noticed for the right reasons. 


 

Back to basics

I went to Church today - the first time in a very long time.  I've been having discussions with myself about attending a service for many months, years in fact.  The argument always fell on the side of why both, if there's a god here's around you - and what on earth is this god doing with the world?

After my accident earlier this year a priest and a sister came to visit me in hospital - their presence was calming, non-judgemental.  but it has taken till now to enter a Church.

As soon as I did - I felt calm.  The rush of emotion was difficult to hold back.  Being around people was soothing, listening to the words from the Bible and the Priest comforting.  The words of the service came forth as if I'd said them last week.  The aroma of incense as i remembered.

The most poignant words for me though were - Christmas starts today and goes on for twelve days until Epiphany, it does not end tomorrow.  I feel for those who will be queueing now for the sales and even more for those who have to head off the stampede.

I enjoyed going to the service and will continue to do so.

Crazy Christmas Commercialism

“I wish it could be Christmas every day” – Bah humbug!

When you’re at any December/Christmas event – cheesy songs blast out dictating you must comply and be happy.

It’s always been a difficult time of year.  I can never remember believing in Father Christmas – perhaps I’ve always been sceptical.  A traumatic event in early childhood has remained with me – until I left home at 17 I was always ill over Christmas.  Then I spent many Christmas days on my own, which were fine or helping out somewhere (which were great).

The story, as written, is wonderful and if for just one day there is peace in the world – it is worthwhile.  But it won’t be so - my pessimistic outlook on the real world without adverts.  There are too many suffering, too many that go without and for too many that it is not a cause of celebration but a time that emphasis how hard it is to breathe.

I find Christmas is the time I make resolutions for the year ahead whilst contemplating the previous 12 months, perhaps because it’s the turning point in the calendar.

Freedom

Visit thelionthewitchandthoseshoes.tumblr.com

Looking sad

My routine is to request the next months medication at two days to go - it gives enough time to collect the prescription and the medication. For me it works – I know I’ve taken tablets each day and whilst I have a lot of tablets I can cope with the amount prescribed each month.

This month a repeat prescribed was denied without a review with the doctor – it meant four days without medication – I was in turmoil – especially without Zopiclone , I could not sleep.  And yes I know, it’s a sleeping tablet and there are articles about addiction to sleeping enhancements. 

After a number of ‘phone calls and a complaint email I was given an appointment.  My aim from the meeting was to reduce my medication.  A series of questions later I’m told that with the amount of medication I’m on I should be “swinging from the trees”.  I’m afar doing that.  A suggestion of changing medication was made – it makes me nervous so have agreed to see my doctor again in four weeks time.

He chastised me for always re-ordering my prescription rather than asking for an appointment  as the last time he saw me was eight months ago..  He told me I looked very sad - the asddes thes seen me.  In the past I've been distressed, 

For someone who just gets on with it and of there are the tools to do so – that’s what I will do.  I don’t ask for help until I really need it.  And then I find people don’t want to help.. So what is the point.

Before my severe depression was considered I used over the counter sleeping aids for many years – the effect which diluted.

Through the medication I know I have more coping mechanisms but my weight has increased so much.  There have been a couple of sessions where I have tried to go cold turkey but is has been very hard.  Recently I’ve self reduced medication.

I hate relying on medication to make a day in the life bearable.

 

Paul Weller Black is the Colour

Pharrell Williams - Happy (Official Music Video)

You cannot help but smile, sing along & dance to this tune!  Happiness!

"I'm still learning"

From Beautiful Minds

 



I hear it so many times from people – oh I’m too old to learn something new, what good is learning something new to me now – these are people in their 20s, 30s & 40s.  Such closed minds.  There is always something new to learn – however old you are, whatever you are doing whether it be active or relaxing (a skill to be learned).

A few years ago there was a lady in her 90s who had just earned her second degree – I felt such admiration for her and inspiration from her.  My Grandparent’s whilst they did not get second degrees were always seeking out new learning as do my parents.  Is that why I have little patience for those who close their minds?

Learning to live with my depression, understanding when I feel myself being pulled into that large black hole has been very difficult.  I’m slowly learning to sit with myself, if I want to read so be it, if I want to watch TV then I’ll do that.  It’s very hard.  Most challenging is writing about how I feel, verbalising in text.  I wanted to just post the quote from Michelangelo – not comment on it – on reflection I decided to write.

A few months ago I received confirmation I had been accepted on an Arts Degree – so excited, I was ready to embark on practical modules.  To my horror the first exercises were to write about oneself, reflect whilst not being critical.  Gosh, so difficult.  I’ve deferred my first assignments.  I can embark upon on soliloquy of self detriment, destruction, verbal flagellation.  Learning to write a balanced pen portrait is ongoing. 

At work I always provide to others a balanced view – what if you did this, look at a problem that way.  So I can do it.  But not for myself – what I do know about myself now, is that I am, determined and will not give up.

Not giving up on learning is something we should all embrace – whoever you are, whatever you do.

Children, food, diet, careers....choices, loses

As a child I knew I wanted children.  Not because I played with dolls or was maternal in any way - I just knew - I wanted nurture and love another living thing so much.

A large child I was ridiculed about my weight not by school peers but by my family - "fatso", "funny face".  And also by peers as I was so useless as sport.  But there were other girls larger me, they didn't get picked on as they could catch a ball, play netball, tennis etc.

I was cooking footballs teas for over 100 people by the age of 15 (sausage, beans, mash) and cricket teas for the same amount during the summer (sandwiches, cakes etc).  My summer job was working as  catering help for a private hospital.  Whilst I enjoyed making & preparing, eating was not a joy.  I had so many dislikes and was very fussy about how things were cooked.

The summer I turned 16 I lost alot of weight,  I loved it.  Clothes were loose, I could see my ribs.

My parents advised me against a catering college course (which I had dreamed of) as I disliked food so went into banking (yawn) and have never been happy since chasing the ideal career.

Food became a foe - I wanted to eat what I enjoyed but wanted to be skinnier and skinnier.  So grew my obsession with exercise (the glorious pain), monitoring very mouthful yet guzzling pot fulls of laxatives a week.

I got to just above five stone still thinking I was fat.  I fell pregnant but my body could not withhold the strain.  So miscarried at 16 weeks. I was pregnant six times in total - each time to 16 weeks but was told my body could not withstand the strain (I'd also had a good few beatings in an earlier life).

I hate that now I am past the recommended child bearing years, that I suffer from depression so have been rejected for adoption. 

Wanting and having a child is not a pipe dream, it was my one dream yet it has eluded me - and I hate myself for it.  Other manage it, abuse the gift they have been given.

When people moan about their children and what a burden they are - I want to shout and scream - give me that burden rather than the one of wanting something so much that others can have so naturally, yet I can't.  And ion that you are made to feel so inadequate - you're not a mother you won't understand.

I want to curl up and forget everything.

 

Nelson Mandela

The passing of such an man who has influenced and touched the lives of all the world shows how fragile we are in birth, life and death.