Why?

Yesterday I spoke about my self-administered cold turkey from a cocktail of anti-depressant medication that did not go well so have decided to be "fat and sane".

My thoughts today are how amazing the drugs are to block out memories. I really struggled with flashbacks during my three weeks without drugs. How can pills deflect thoughts?  Yes the thoughts attack but there is the ability to parry them off  - without medication they continually assault, bother and nag. 

Tough choices

I've mentioned before that my medication has ballooned my weight.  So frustrated about the situation a month ago I made the rash decision to come off medication without supervision.

The first week I was on a high - I was in control of my life, weight, destiny etc.

The second week I had headaches, my stomach felt awful.

Week three chest pains had returned, tooth ache too from clenching my jaw so tightly.  Complete and utter lack of concentration (I have a very short attention span at the best of times).  Tiredness and crying, lots of crying.

So week four - my decision, I need to take my medication.

I've always had body issues, contortioning myself away from mirrors and photos.  I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window the other day then quickly scurried past.  What do I do?  As the saying goes "fat and sane or skinny and insane".  It's a tough choice.

Trying to make peace with yourself

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Oh so true - I've been running most of my life but can't find solace, peace or love.

The world is your oyster

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Exercise and depression

A BBC report today reports that research suggests combining exercise with conventional treatments for depression does not improve recovery.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18335173

For me its a vicious circle - during the deepest part of my depression i would not move from bed never mind walk out of the door.  So exercise was the last thing on my mind.  Slowly I started to exercises indoors before starting to run. 

But even with exercise and a healthy diet pounds piled on due to my medication.  The additional weight ruined my already low self esteem.

Medication stabilises mood but the side effects of weight gain are depressing.  I think exercises improves confidence but there are a lot of hurdles to cross before taking the step.

You can do anything...

Asking for help

From an early age I’ve had to be independent.  After my parents divorced I had to adapt to being passed around people so my mother could spend time with my younger brother who she felt she could not leave.

I’ve always found it difficult to ask for help so I just get on with it.  Is this a strength or not? 

I think it is a strength to ask for help, I find it very hard to do.  I will retreat into my shell rather than ask for help deciding it’s easier on my own.  The times I have asked for helped have fallen on deaf ears.  I also think it depends what people who you ask think they can get from you in return. 

 

I am who I am

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I will dare...

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