I’ve never been a sporty person which was always a disadvantage at school. The last to be picked for any team not being able to catch a ball on the netball court or return a volley at tennis meant I was the butt of many a joke. Hockey I I enjoyed – tripping ms perfect sport up whilst scoring goals.
At school a friend and I decided the best form of exercise was laughing as we were both pretty awful at the traditional stuff. And that’s what we did make each other laugh getting ourselves in trouble with teachers sending us of lessons for giggling
My love of laughing continued until I started in public sector. Not allowed, inappropriate. It has certainly left to my depression.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Monday, 28 May 2012
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Magic, dreams and good madness
"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." — Neil Gaiman
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Friday, 25 May 2012
Weight gain
I was always a rather large child, ridiculed for not being sporty at school whilst at home my nickname was “fatso”.
Coming home to an empty house from an early age I would find solace in food. Our kitchen cupboards were not full of scrumptious goodies so I would eat mash potato or gravy granules!
My mother was and still is obsessed with her weight as is my step-father keeping a close eye on what they eat.
By the age of 16 I had lost a considerable amount of weight and loved it. Then began my life long control of my body – from not eating at all, to taking laxatives, exercising religiously – hunger pains felt delightful as did the ache of exercise.
And this continued until I was diagnosed with being severely depressed – for months I hardly moved within the house never mind outside. The right combination of drugs took months to find. I’ve been on these for about a year now, I exercise each day, hardly eat but have piled on well over 3 stone in weight increased four dress sizes.
My reflection has always been something to avoid but now…I just see a huge blob, it’s not me.
Reading websites, the advice is to remain on medication “fat and sane rather than skinning and insane”. My doctor is wonderful and understands how I feel but the pounds are piling on despite following advice.
I feel disgusting.
Coming home to an empty house from an early age I would find solace in food. Our kitchen cupboards were not full of scrumptious goodies so I would eat mash potato or gravy granules!
My mother was and still is obsessed with her weight as is my step-father keeping a close eye on what they eat.
By the age of 16 I had lost a considerable amount of weight and loved it. Then began my life long control of my body – from not eating at all, to taking laxatives, exercising religiously – hunger pains felt delightful as did the ache of exercise.
And this continued until I was diagnosed with being severely depressed – for months I hardly moved within the house never mind outside. The right combination of drugs took months to find. I’ve been on these for about a year now, I exercise each day, hardly eat but have piled on well over 3 stone in weight increased four dress sizes.
My reflection has always been something to avoid but now…I just see a huge blob, it’s not me.
Reading websites, the advice is to remain on medication “fat and sane rather than skinning and insane”. My doctor is wonderful and understands how I feel but the pounds are piling on despite following advice.
I feel disgusting.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Monday, 21 May 2012
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Time to Change
There are a plethora of programmes about individuals overcoming physical disabilities. These programmes, I believe, have had a positive impact on how others perceive people with a disability. . There is still a public stigma about mental illness, The Time to Change, campaign wants to help stop prejudice and get people talking about their experiences. Whenever I am feeling particularly low I visit their website to read the experiences people have shared – they help me to feel not alone.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Monday, 14 May 2012
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Loneliness
Ever since I can remember I have always had a sense of loneliness. As a child I didn't have many friends and my parents would alienate me even more by not allowing me to play with children who lived on the same road as myself or with school mates. Lunch times a school were horrendous, the lone child wandering the playground - I spent one awful hour tied to the fence with my hair as people took it in turns to kick a ball at me.
I would take myself out to the library on my own, then to hang around the local park. I would spend Sundays and summer holidays wandering the streets on my own because I didn't want to stay inside. I was fairly young when I started to do this (age 10 onwards). I would enviously look from a safe distance at the groups of friends laughing.
The same applies today - years on. There is no one I can call and say "fancy a coffee". It is my fault I have no one, as I have cut myself off because I am afraid of being hurt and have no self worth. Some days I can cope if I don't stop and think, but then are days like today when the wave of loneliness comes crushing down.
I would take myself out to the library on my own, then to hang around the local park. I would spend Sundays and summer holidays wandering the streets on my own because I didn't want to stay inside. I was fairly young when I started to do this (age 10 onwards). I would enviously look from a safe distance at the groups of friends laughing.
The same applies today - years on. There is no one I can call and say "fancy a coffee". It is my fault I have no one, as I have cut myself off because I am afraid of being hurt and have no self worth. Some days I can cope if I don't stop and think, but then are days like today when the wave of loneliness comes crushing down.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Inspiring
Source: today.msnbc.msn.com via alexandra on Pinterest
Tao Porchon-Lynch started teaching yoga at 73, and now, 20 years later, still teaches four days a week in New York. Great-grandmother Edith Wilma Connor, 77, entered - and won - her first bodybuilding competition at the age of 65.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Are you man enough to say no to domestic violence?
The company I work for is supporting the "White Ribbon Campaign" that calls for males to be added to the growing number of men who want to 'call time' on domestic abuse towards women and girls. In doing this, they stand shoulder to shoulder with prominent sportsmen, local celebrities, industry leaders, and thousands of other men around the world, who, are strongly opposed to abuse against women and girls.'
The campaign asks if they are man enough to say no to domestic violence. A fantastic campaign. But as someone who has suffered domestic violence on a number of levels I ask myself - would they say "no"? what would they do if they knew of a domestic violence case? Is it just ticking a box?
I've not entered into conversations with them about my experiences but listening some of the comments - well they can just leave? why do they stay? It is a question many women who have not experienced violence and abuse ask. It's not easy to leave - sometimes the slap, the fist is the only attention/affection you receive.
Charming to start with, kind and generous with compliments the knife goes slowly in and turns and turns. I've been in two physically abusive relationships and one verbally abusive. All very controlling. But at the time you know nothing else. And no one else knew what was happening behind closed doors.
Show you are man/woman enough to say no to domestic violence?
The campaign asks if they are man enough to say no to domestic violence. A fantastic campaign. But as someone who has suffered domestic violence on a number of levels I ask myself - would they say "no"? what would they do if they knew of a domestic violence case? Is it just ticking a box?
I've not entered into conversations with them about my experiences but listening some of the comments - well they can just leave? why do they stay? It is a question many women who have not experienced violence and abuse ask. It's not easy to leave - sometimes the slap, the fist is the only attention/affection you receive.
Charming to start with, kind and generous with compliments the knife goes slowly in and turns and turns. I've been in two physically abusive relationships and one verbally abusive. All very controlling. But at the time you know nothing else. And no one else knew what was happening behind closed doors.
Show you are man/woman enough to say no to domestic violence?
Monday, 7 May 2012
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Saturday afternoon naps
I never sleep well at night, even with a sleeping tablet (prescribed). I have extremely vivid, dreadful, active dreams feeling so exhausted when I wake up. The best sleep I have is on a Saturfrday afternoon, watching an old film, laid out on the sofa wrapped in a blanket.
Pure soft lambswool fringed throw, with a sweet reversible heart design.
Pure soft lambswool fringed throw, with a sweet reversible heart design.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Flowers & colour to make you smile
Source: flower-picspot.blogspot.com via alexandra on Pinterest
Source: sammonsdmdomoni.tumblr.com via alexandra on Pinterest
Source: Uploaded by user via alexandra on Pinterest
Friday, 4 May 2012
The right people....
This is so true. Scared of being lonely I let people into my life that brought me down, who continually ridiculed me...but it was company and attention. Now I am much more choosy as to who I have in my life.
Source: livelifehappy.com via alexandra on Pinterest
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
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