Healing

My dressings are being changed three times a week.  I'm told everything is healing well.  I say I'm told as I've not ye mustered the courage to look.  Next week i will be working through this with the psychologist.

Whilst I continually praise the wonderful care and support from the staff at Nottingham City Hospital they also say I am playing my part - being positive, eating healthily & drinking fluids.

The counselling and encouragement received guiding me out of my deepest darkest corners of acute, deep depression is certainly helping me now.

Not easy - but I am determined not to be beaten!

Depression

I adore this image.  It is so thought provoking, sad and gorgeous.  Being in the depths of depression is akin to a huge, heavy cloud following and bearing down on you. 

Found at fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net - the name at the bottom of the image is Victor Nazarenko

A Delicate Constitution

I've always been a queasy person - fainting in biology at school and not lasting more than an hour in any first aid course!  Overhearing a conversation between two ladies on a tube train one evening coming home from work I had to alight before my scheduled stop - their conversation - a sprained ankle.

So it's with this mindset I have yet to venture my eyes on my healing burn.  I'd accidentally touched a small part on my elbow whilst putting cream on and had to sit down as I felt light headed.

A big step forward at my hospital appointment today I looked at photos of a burn to someones foot.  the stages I saw were a year on, a month on, and seventeen days on form the accident.  After hot sweats, panic attacks I looked and was amazed at how well the persons burn had healed.  I need to now transfer that image onto my arm to envisage it healing under the bandages.  It was felt that I need not look at photos nearer to a burn accident as I had passed that point.   My accident occurred just under three weeks ago.

Now when the nurses who change my dressings say the burn is healing I believe them.  The skill of the surgeon, care of ward nurses, physiotherapist, psychologist and outpatient nurses are an amazing part of the healing process.

 

Diminish the stigma

There's lots of good work being done but there is so much more to do. I work in public sector and am trying to raise awareness of mental health conditions and to eradicate the stigma attached to it.  

It's certainly very small steps with lots of excuses as to why we shouldn't be advocating such a campaign but I shall not be stopped. 

Ideas welcome.

http://diminishthestigma.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/logo/

Today...

My dressings were changed again today at the Burns Outpatient clinic.   Everything is healing well apparently which is fantastic but it means the time for me to look and touch creeps ever closer. I have another visit on Wednesday to talk further about this next stage including looking at photographs if I choose.

I also had time to speak with the psychologist which helped and I am using some of the skills learnt from the therapy received during my darkest days of depression which I continue to use. 

Flashbacks are becoming more recurrent which is normal in the first month after such a trauma but beyond that they should be less.  In recent days I am experiencing smell memory which is proving more difficult to deflect than images.  I know I need to accept, not live in the past and focus on the here and now.

Not being able to drive I took public transport to the hospital.  The reason for being so insistent on taking public transport as opposed to replying on cabs is that I do not want to get into the position of being too scared to venture outside again. As well as my need for independence and not doing what people tell me to do!  The bus journey took 10 minutes and walking to the bus stop meant breathing in wonderful fresh air.

My return from hospital was greeted by a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my brother.

Woe is me....

...that is how I feel today.  I think I'm entitled to a small amount of self pity.  The question that keeps going round in my head is "why is me", "when will the bad stuff stop"?

Two weeks after my burn I am trying to be positive - yesterday I had my first ever facial, manicure & pedicure.  I also had my hair cut.  I went to my usual hairdressers - The Hairdressers http://www.thehairdressersnottingham.co.uk/.  They were extremely wonderful and I had the most relaxing time. 

Today I feel very down and teary.

Then again - is it because it's a Sunday?  Sunday's have always been the day I have felt most alone and down.  As a child I would take myself off pretending to meet non existent friends but would wander the streets on my own perhaps venturing into a park to view from a safe distance families having fun together or friends playing.  When shops started to open on a Sunday I would wander around these just to be around people.

Sundays heighten my sense of loss and my feelings of worthlessness.

I keep looking at my pretty painted fingers and toes (vain & superficial I know) to brighten me up.  This morning I had a clean and tidy around the house. 

To help me a heal a positive attitude is paramount but I must also acknowledge and accept what has happened.  Extremely difficult.

BBC news story - mental healthj

This morning BBC news ran a story about mental health following the admission by Stephen Fry of his suicide attempt last year.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-22796593

Mental health remains a taboo subject but it shouldn't be.  If we spoke about how we feel without the risk of judgement then perhaps we would all feel better.

A rather "pollyanna" and simplistic way of looking at mental health but it is OK to ask someone how they feel and it is OK to say - feeling a little blue today.

I didn't speak about my mental health issues, if anyone asked how i was it was"Fine thank you".  The few times I was truthful the responses were - "pull yourself together", "keep your pecker up", "stop feeling sorry for yourself", "there's people worse off than you".  Meaningless cliches because few people know what to say.  These sentiments made me angrier and delved me deeper into depression - I didn't feel sorry for myself and I knew there were people worse off than me.

Let's educate each other - I am a strong follower of http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ - the campaign to end mental health discrimination.



 

Yet another hurdle....

I'd finally accepted that taking anti-depressant medication was gong to be part of my life for the long term foreseeable future.  The medication had helped to increase my weight and clothes size to proportions I was not pleased about but I knew I had to accept it.  Exercise was becoming more and more part of my life and I was shopping for clothes that suited my shape ignoring the sixes printed on labels (they fluctuate so much depending on where you shop!_.

Two weeks ago I was invited to a birthday party - only a few months ago I would not have accepted but I did.  It was a small group of lovely people - lots of laughs and sharing of memories.  The garden was beautiful decorated with candles.

I'd spent time getting ready finally settling on jeans and  batwing t-shirt.

At the end of the evening waiting for a taxi I leaned against a wall - I hadn't seen the tea light.  The next thing i was in hospital in accident & emergency. 

I'd used my fire training and laid myself on the floor to help extinguish the flames, people at the party doused me in water and cut my top off so it would not stick.  I passed out until in A&E.

A ten day stay in the burns unit at my local hospital ensued.  The care I received was absolutely amazing from the doctors, to nurses and the domestic staff.  Physio and psychological help were on and and will continue to be. 

I am fortunate in that the burn was from my shoulder to my elbow and did not go n my face.  To help repair the area I have had a skin graft the donor area being from my thigh.

Being in a fire was and remains my worst nightmare.  I am so careful around fire, flames etc - I hate lighters never being able to use them properly, matches I light over the sink, gas fires I never use nor gas ovens,.  candles & tea lights are always in a protective holder. 

The need to remain positive is extremely important to me - over the past few days I've asked - why me? why can't anything good happen to me?.  The dark hole that captured me through my chronic depression beckons but I must remain strong.