Waiting.....

I’ve always found relationships problematical.  Initially so needy…do they like me, am I good enough for them?  Comparing myself to every female the male suitor may refer to –ex-girlfriend, soap star, movie star, girl in the street…..

Then they feed off that need.  They see and feel insecurity. 

I my early 20s I went out with a guy who told me he would me meet outside work on a number of occasions.  So I would for at least an hour at a time.  He would always be in the pub so rather than waiting, and saving his time coming to get me, I would wander to the pub anticipating the warm welcome from him.  

After punches, kicks, pinches, burns I learnt to be obedient and wait – for hours.

It took be two years to stop waiting!  I know others have waited longer for it to stop.

http://togetherwecanstopit.org/

Bullying

Gok's Teens - The Naked Truth is an amazing programme. I wish there had been something similar growing up.


It's a warm and genuine campaign to help vulnerable teenagers (and indeed, society) realise that bullying and the low self-esteem that it causes are far from acceptable.


Bullying should not be a part of growing up or any part of someone’s life.  Tackling it head on is the right thing to do rather than tolerating it.
 

The anxiety and self-loathing that these horrific experiences can cause are very real and have been shown to have long-lasting damaging effects.
 

I was bullied throughout my school life – one particular very traumatic incident was to be tied to a fence with my hair at the football end of the school ground.  A group of kids then kicked a ball at me for about 30 minutes.  And left me there when the bell rung to sound the end of the lunch break.  That incident took place over 30 years ago – it is still raw.


Proper counselling, assertiveness lessons and help with closure on traumatic experiences is so important.



Well done Gok!

Shopping

As I grew older I ventured further in the summer holidays.  I even had a friend so we used to meet in a shopping centre that took me an hour to get to on a bus whereas her mum took and collected her.  Fourteen, hanging round the shops with a friend I felt good.  Then a group of guys started talking to us – I was so flattered.  They even told me I was pretty.  No one had ever called me pretty – at home I was called funny face and fatso.

My friend had to leave – one of the guts said he wanted to see me again so we arranged to meet a few days later.  I was so excited.  We met again, a couple of his friends were there – they were kind to me told me how wonderful I looked.  I was on cloud nine – butterflies fluttering around.  This went on over a three week period until one day the guy who had given me so much attention took me back to his flat.   So caring, persuasive.  Even being so scared and wanting to leave – his words and my total lack of self esteem meant I stayed.  I even went back because it was attention.  I was being told I was pretty.

Then the school term started and that was that.

It wasn’t until my breakdown and the therapy I received I was able to understand what happened.  Nowadays they call it grooming.  I was naive, I had no concept of how old these guys were.

The memories frighten me but they are memories that have been spoken rather than buried deep within me.

My mantra - Tiddles loves Rover .  I spent so long hating myself I need to love who I am and all that has shaped my life.  It's challenging.

Lonely memories

Everyone needs a friend but sometimes it is difficult to find a friend that will listen to you, smile with you and not be judgemental.

I have spent my life being lonely – I have had friends but always at arms length whilst never feeling part of my family.

The years after my tenth birthday up to my mid teens I used to take myself of for walk around the area I lived venturing into the local parks.  Picked on by groups of kids that hung around the park I returned each week.  At least they noticed me. 

An overweight child sporting a face of acne, greasy hair, glasses and old fashioned clothes (my mother never allowed me to wear jeans) – I was an easy target.

This is how I spent my Sunday afternoons, pretending to meet friends, pretending to be popular.  I never shared with anyone my loneliness nor the bullying I endured. 

It is only in the last year I have been able to speak about these feelings after a breakdown and the amazing team of psychiatric nurses.  It was only through their kind words and sympathetic probing that the darkness I have kept within has emerged.  It’s been very emotional and continues to be so.  To help I have coined the phrase Tiddles loves Rover – reminding me that I need to love the person within me.