It's been some time....

...since I last posted.

In that time by wonderful father passed away after a short illness.   The month of December passed in a blur.  Accompanying the sadness of seeing my father so ill before he passed were some of the best family times shared with my mother and brother.  A time of such mixed emotion.

My father was so concerned that his illness and passing would send me into a swirl of depression.  I have been determined and remain so to ensure this does not happen.  How - I talk to my mum on a daily basis, I am thankful for the love in my life and the very many happy memories.

Each day a wave of loss crashes over me - it can happen at anytime.  I let it happen, live in that moment.

I feel ready to write again so will be updating my blog on a regular basis.

Did my body always do that?

People say to me ”ooo at your age…” when referring to the fact I can’t read small print, that I need the loo often, that weight is middle age spread, you’re in mood because you’re a woman of a certain age, when I’ve forgotten where I put something.  I would take heed and adopt that frame of mind.  Having lived under the black cloud of depression for so long I had forgotten what my body and mond were like before.

Over a year ago I had to undergo a skin graft operation following a nasty burn to my upper arm.  I have regular appointments with the scar management occupational therapist.  The last time I met her I asked if the reason I could not straighten my arm was because of the scaring.  Her response has stuck with me – “could you d it before the accident?”  Thinking about it – no I couldn’t. 

My point is I cannot remember how my body should be, how my mind should react, what I should look like.  Why? 

From an early age I was ridiculed by school mates and family about my weight – I was chunky and ate for comfort.  Then at 14 I was quite ill and weight melted off me.  I loved it – I was able to tighten the elastic on the school skirt I wore for five years.  Always a fussy eater I now became even more finicky about food.  Oh the control, the feeling of being hungry…it was a drug.  Reading teenage magazines I found out about laxatives and making one self sick.  I was hooked – more on laxatives which I took at carefully planned times of the day to ensure I was not caught short.

More than a decade later my unhealthy habit stayed with me, but I was in control.  Then for reasons I don’t want to explain now control was taken from me.  I was forced to eat food I would not have chosen for including takeaways the exercise regime I’d created for diluted as it was insisted I need to be picked up from everywhere and that I could do nothing for myself.

My source of control was slowly but surely being taken away, the dark cloud pelted on me all my life failures. 

To skip months and years…and after finally finding a combination of anti-depressants that work I find myself saying to myself – “fat and sane or skinny and insane”.

 

Then going back to what people say tome about my age – well ,I’ve always had dreadful eyesight, my bladder control has always been awful, I am moody because people say such stupid things, I remember where I’ve put something until someone else decides to tidy up.   

 

So what I am saying, “did my body always do that”?  I can’t remember.  But can any of us?  Do we do the same thing, day in day out, month after month, year after year?  Some may and that is their control.   

What I do know – is that I will listen to my body and mind rather than the opinion of others.

 

 

We all have mental health and wellbeing

I had started blogging about my mental wellbeing because I needed to share my experiences knowing I was not the only one. It was therapeutic and cathartic.

Despondency ensued, as it tends to, as I had few views, no one commented.  Who was I reaching, helping?

Over the past couple of years I have voiced my encouragement to colleagues and management to talk about mental health, to help end the stigma, pointing out the language sometimes used in meetings and telephone calls was not helpful.  I wanted the company to celebrate and acknowledge World Mental Health day – yes they would as an “add on” to Customer Service and Equality and Diversity Weeks. 

Mental health and wellbeing is not an add-on.  It is an intrinsic part of someone.

So why decide to write again?  I am passionate that mental health not be seen as a taboo subject, it’s OK to talk about it.  We all have mental health and wellbeing. 
 

Struggle for strength

http://dailyquotes.co/strength_motivational_quote/

I'm a survivor

I've been struggling the past few weeks - dipping back into the deep dark hole.  But trying so hard to not to.  I'm going to the gym, Church - gathering courage to go to other things - to meet people, all my courage has been taken up by going there's none left to talk & meet people.

Work brings me down - I don't fit in,  the politics of the office are ridiculous.  Applying for jobs has not been fruitful.  But I don't know how to sell myself anymore - any ounce of confidence has gone.

Walking back from the gym today I was thinking about my CV and what strengths I could put down but could think of none - only failures.  Then I turned them around - and came to the conclusion I am a survivor.

• Broken home.
• Father that moved to the other side of the world and abandoned me.
• A mother that did not know what to do with me as a single parent so I was looked after by a great grandmother & grandmother as well as neighbours.
• A latch key kid.
• Bullied at every education establishment I've been to.
• Put down and ridiculed in work environments.
• Forced at knife point into sexual acts.
• Homeless.
• Raped.
• Held hostage.
• Six miscarriages.
• Violent relationships.
• Eating disorders.
• I've been on fire
• Numerous suicide attempts.
• Self harm.
• Home broken into seven times in two years.
• Tricked out of money.

But I've survived.  I've coped.  Is that enough though?  Yes and no. 

Yes - I know I'm not alone - my patchwork of life experiences has enabled me to be independent but afraid to follow my dreams which is suffocating.

No - Forming, keeping relationships and friendships takes so much trust - I have that initially then it goes.

All in all my life in very lonely but I try so hard to bring variety into it.

Rejection

..when everyone else in a group, whether it be an exercise group, work colleagues, an evening course etc etc...and you're the ony person not to receive an invitation for drinks or food.

 

Panic attack

Rite of Election service yesterday - held a candle for the first time since my burn accident.  So scared - but did it.

Having a panic attack in front of the Bishop not quite the done thing!

Ways to create a better life

Health & Fitness isn't just about eating right and exercising. It is also about taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally. Best to get negativity out of your life, and, no, it it is NOT selfish to put you first!

From http://myluxury.us/happiness/ and pin by http://www.pinterest.com/nickitree30/

Overcoming fear, realising dreams

There are certain bands that you follow throughout your life - you grow with them as their music changes whilst familiar tunes bring a smile to the face and a sense of familiarity.  I have a couple of these bands and one is Depeche Mode.

In the past I've longed to go to one of their concerts but no one seems to have the same taste in music.  This tour I decided I would go.  Booking tickets on line with anticipation and excitement I was transported back to my thrilled teenage self.

Yesterday (27th January) was the day of the concert in Birmingham - nearly a two hour journey by train,  Part of me wanted to retreat, make some excuse for not going.  But who would that excuse be to - only three people knew I was going and one of those was myself - so who would I be letting down?

I decided to journey to the train station on the local tram line - my second ever journey.  No one took my far - feelings of guilt rolled over me, I was a fare dodger.  Well not really, I was prepared to pay but no one asked and no one was around to take the fare.  Reaching the station I collected my pre-paid tickets from the machine before finding a seat on the train. 

I began to wonder how long karma takes to come round as being grateful for a free tram journey an announcement that off-peak tickets would not be accepted on the train journey.  As soon as the ticket inspector asked to see my internet pre-booked ticket I owned up, blushing with shame, "I don't think this ticket is valid".  He checked and it was, so I settled down to read my book whilst i battled with the fear of going to a concert on my own, shall i go, shall i pretend I missed the train?....

But I carried on.

Then I had to change trains, there was an announcement as to which platform the train was on - so I alighted thinking what a mix of people going to a gig.  Thank goodness I asked the destination of the train - I was on the wrong one!  Another bad omen, shall I give up?  The train I need was further down the track - found a seat, all well.

En route to the venue were signs, make sure you leave in plenty of time, there is only one train, avoid the crowds.  Another notice for me to quit.  I ignored it.  I ventured on, a lone person marching to the venue amongst couples and groups of people.

A small queue to get in the venue, the bar code on my printed e-ticket did not scan.  Panic.  But after asking a lovely steward to re-scan I was let through.  Gosh - so crowded, but I let it flow past me whilst i remained calm.  I got myself a drink, familiarised myself with the surroundings,  Looked at for the entrance to my seating area.  Initially couldn't find it - pacing up and down, surely it must be here, somewhere.  Founds it - all i had to do was look round the corner.  Another drink for the concert.  Another steward takes me to my seat.  Overcoming another fear - walking down stairs without a handle.  I ask about leaving to make sure I get my train.  Empathetically answered.

Seats around me empty.  They start to fill up.  I'm sandwiched between two couples.  Trance music is playing.  Minutes to go, excitement rising.  Though I feel vulnerability alone.  The band come on.  Enthralled by them, the screens have amazing visuals - I'm thinking , how do they do that.  The text art used in the opening song, brilliant. 

one of the couples decides to move to different seats so they can dance.  Do I move away from the other couple of stay where I am.  I stayed, I always think moving away from someone is rude.

Then a film came on to their song "should be higher".  Panic - fire in the film.  Memories of my accident.  Palpitations.  I reasoned with myself - the fire cannot hurt you now, the song is brilliant, look at the beautiful images the fire art workers are making.  I calmed down slightly.

More songs, more people dancing, so even though the couple next to me weren't I got out of my seat and swayed to the tunes.

Aware of the time I missed the last ten minutes to rush to get the train.  Enough time to get a snack for the journey home.

There were many fears I faced, each one I wanted to bolt so quickly from, instead I stood still and let the word rush past me.  My burns psychologist taught me that, it works, you're in control.

An amazing evening - for the music, the graphics and for actually doing it.



 

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

A quote by Carl Jung. 

This is a quote a found today and it speaks volumes to me. 

There are times I am at work surrounded by people who are talking about, goodness knows what so I tune out and it becomes white noise.  Small talk at functions annoys me and I'm not very good at it.  I like meaningful, witty conversations. 

Being surrounded by people but not being able to connect with them is extremely lonely.  And finding the right person (friend) or group of people that you can share your thoughts and emotions is a rare find.  On the journey to find such gems being ones self into vulnerable situations.

So when you are told you are too quite, aloof, unapproachable, snobby - there are two feelings, one of loneliness that no one understands and one of, so what, you don't get me, I don't need you in my life!