Kind words

A work colleague complimented me today on how healthy I look, how my dress sense suits me and how together I was. 

These are the kindest words I have heard in such a long time, years.  I was so touched and told her so.

I will keep these words close to my heart to buoy me at my lowest moments.

Accept and be thankful for compliments and be generous with your genuine compliments to others.

Why?

Yesterday I spoke about my self-administered cold turkey from a cocktail of anti-depressant medication that did not go well so have decided to be "fat and sane".

My thoughts today are how amazing the drugs are to block out memories. I really struggled with flashbacks during my three weeks without drugs. How can pills deflect thoughts?  Yes the thoughts attack but there is the ability to parry them off  - without medication they continually assault, bother and nag. 

Tough choices

I've mentioned before that my medication has ballooned my weight.  So frustrated about the situation a month ago I made the rash decision to come off medication without supervision.

The first week I was on a high - I was in control of my life, weight, destiny etc.

The second week I had headaches, my stomach felt awful.

Week three chest pains had returned, tooth ache too from clenching my jaw so tightly.  Complete and utter lack of concentration (I have a very short attention span at the best of times).  Tiredness and crying, lots of crying.

So week four - my decision, I need to take my medication.

I've always had body issues, contortioning myself away from mirrors and photos.  I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window the other day then quickly scurried past.  What do I do?  As the saying goes "fat and sane or skinny and insane".  It's a tough choice.

Trying to make peace with yourself

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Oh so true - I've been running most of my life but can't find solace, peace or love.

The world is your oyster

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Exercise and depression

A BBC report today reports that research suggests combining exercise with conventional treatments for depression does not improve recovery.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18335173

For me its a vicious circle - during the deepest part of my depression i would not move from bed never mind walk out of the door.  So exercise was the last thing on my mind.  Slowly I started to exercises indoors before starting to run. 

But even with exercise and a healthy diet pounds piled on due to my medication.  The additional weight ruined my already low self esteem.

Medication stabilises mood but the side effects of weight gain are depressing.  I think exercises improves confidence but there are a lot of hurdles to cross before taking the step.

You can do anything...

Asking for help

From an early age I’ve had to be independent.  After my parents divorced I had to adapt to being passed around people so my mother could spend time with my younger brother who she felt she could not leave.

I’ve always found it difficult to ask for help so I just get on with it.  Is this a strength or not? 

I think it is a strength to ask for help, I find it very hard to do.  I will retreat into my shell rather than ask for help deciding it’s easier on my own.  The times I have asked for helped have fallen on deaf ears.  I also think it depends what people who you ask think they can get from you in return. 

 

I am who I am

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I will dare...

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I’ve never been a sporty person which was always a disadvantage at school. The last to be picked for any team not being able to catch a ball on the netball court or return a volley at tennis meant I was the butt of many a joke. Hockey I I enjoyed – tripping ms perfect sport up whilst scoring goals.
At school a friend and I decided the best form of exercise was laughing as we were both pretty awful at the traditional stuff. And that’s what we did make each other laugh getting ourselves in trouble with teachers sending us of lessons for giggling
My love of laughing continued until I started in public sector. Not allowed, inappropriate. It has certainly left to my depression.

Queen Breakthru

Love this song - how exhilirating to be singing atop a fast train.....

Magic, dreams and good madness

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"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." — Neil Gaiman

"It's a wonderful life"

Laugh, smile, cry, sadness, happiness, nostalgia...

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Weight gain

I was always a rather large child, ridiculed for not being sporty at school whilst at home my nickname was “fatso”.

Coming home to an empty house from an early age I would find solace in food. Our kitchen cupboards were not full of scrumptious goodies so I would eat mash potato or gravy granules!

My mother was and still is obsessed with her weight as is my step-father keeping a close eye on what they eat.

By the age of 16 I had lost a considerable amount of weight and loved it. Then began my life long control of my body – from not eating at all, to taking laxatives, exercising religiously – hunger pains felt delightful as did the ache of exercise.

And this continued until I was diagnosed with being severely depressed – for months I hardly moved within the house never mind outside. The right combination of drugs took months to find. I’ve been on these for about a year now, I exercise each day, hardly eat but have piled on well over 3 stone in weight increased four dress sizes.

My reflection has always been something to avoid but now…I just see a huge blob, it’s not me.
Reading websites, the advice is to remain on medication “fat and sane rather than skinning and insane”. My doctor is wonderful and understands how I feel but the pounds are piling on despite following advice.

I feel disgusting.

Goodness & truth

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Coping with depression

It helps to know you're not alone.

Life is about....

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Time to Change

There are a plethora of programmes about individuals overcoming physical disabilities. These programmes, I believe, have had a positive impact on how others perceive people with a disability. . There is still a public stigma about mental illness, The Time to Change, campaign wants to help stop prejudice and get people talking about their experiences. Whenever I am feeling particularly low I visit their website to read the experiences people have shared – they help me to feel not alone.

Wanting to be someone

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Strength

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Wise words

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Insomnia

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Everybody is a genius - Albert Einstein

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Loneliness

Ever since I can remember I have always had a sense of loneliness.  As a child I didn't have many friends and my parents would alienate me even more by not allowing me to play with children who lived on the same road as myself or with school mates.  Lunch times a school were horrendous, the lone child wandering the playground - I spent one awful hour tied to the fence with my hair as people took it in turns to kick a ball at me.

I would take myself out to the library on my own, then to hang around the local park.  I would spend Sundays and summer holidays wandering the streets on my own because I didn't want to stay inside.  I was fairly young when I started to do this (age 10 onwards).  I would enviously look from a safe distance at the groups of friends laughing. 

The same applies today - years on.  There is no one I can call and say "fancy a coffee".  It is my fault I have no one, as I have cut myself off because I am afraid of being hurt and have no self worth.  Some days I can cope if I don't stop and think, but then are days like today when the wave of loneliness comes crushing down.

Inspiring

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Tao Porchon-Lynch started teaching yoga at 73, and now, 20 years later, still teaches four days a week in New York. Great-grandmother Edith Wilma Connor, 77, entered - and won - her first bodybuilding competition at the age of 65.

Just breathe

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My new motto

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Are you man enough to say no to domestic violence?

The company I work for is supporting the "White Ribbon Campaign" that calls for males to be added to the growing number of men who want to 'call time' on domestic abuse towards women and girls. In doing this, they stand shoulder to shoulder with prominent sportsmen, local celebrities, industry leaders, and thousands of other men around the world, who, are strongly opposed to abuse against women and girls.'
The campaign asks if they are man enough to say no to domestic violence.  A fantastic campaign.  But as someone who has suffered domestic violence on a number of levels I ask myself - would they say "no"? what would they do if they knew of a domestic violence case?  Is it just ticking a box?

I've not entered into conversations with them about my experiences but listening some of the comments  - well they can just leave? why do they stay?  It is a question many women who have not experienced violence and abuse ask.  It's not easy to leave - sometimes the slap, the fist is the only attention/affection you receive.

Charming to start with, kind and generous with compliments the knife goes slowly in and turns and turns.  I've been in two physically abusive relationships and one verbally abusive.  All very controlling.  But at the time you know nothing else.  And no one else knew what was happening behind closed doors.

Show you are man/woman enough to say no to domestic violence?

Believe in wonderful

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Saturday afternoon naps

I never sleep well at night, even with a sleeping tablet (prescribed). I have extremely vivid, dreadful, active dreams feeling so exhausted when I wake up. The best sleep I have is on a Saturfrday afternoon, watching an old film, laid out on the sofa wrapped in a blanket.



Pure soft lambswool fringed throw, with a sweet reversible heart design.

Flowers & colour to make you smile

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The right people....

This is so true. Scared of being lonely I let people into my life that brought me down, who continually ridiculed me...but it was company and attention. Now I am much more choosy as to who I have in my life.

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Ways to relax

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Time to chill out!

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Graceful & strong

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Appraisals and angel wings

Due to my breakdown I took just under a year off work.  I hated being off work – it meant I had failed and wasn’t in control.  I’ve been back a year now and had my annual appraisal the other day and have been thinking it about it ever since (I do over analyse everything!).

It was so negative.  Apparently, no one thought I would get this far, in fact they wanted to start disciplinary proceedings.  This is the first I knew of this.  I was told I cried too much – I think I shed a tear in a couple of meetings when I first returned but have held myself together since.  Since my return I have worked long days and taken no more time off. 

Returning to work is always difficult for anyone, you're not sure how people will be around you - even harder with a mental illness.  It was down to me to approach people if they didn’t talk to me.  This can be so hard especially when you see people purposely walk to the other side of the office.  All you want is someone to smile at you, to say hello. 

The image is of angel wings wrapped around to protect.

Heaven in her arms Alex Cherry Giclee Print Buy From Art.com

Making sense

I set up this blog to share my experience of depression - I knew it would be an emotional journey but hadn't quite realised how much so. 

Years and years of unpleasant life experiences I coped with on my own caught up with me about 18 months ago.  I had a breakdown, spent time in hospital, and then visited daily by psychiatric nurses at home. 

I'm now back at work but the healing process is very long and hard.  For the first time I spoke about my life experiences. They are now out in the open, they were contained before.  I'm not sure which I prefer..I'm hoping my to make some sense through writing.

Kindness

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One small thought...

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Tranquility

A magical picture, calm, tranquil..oh for such a feeling.

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To live a creative life...

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She believed she could...

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Happiness

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Focus

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Dance, dance, dance..and smile

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Go outside...

Tiddles is telling Rover to heed this advice, I becoming a hermit again...

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To dance like Rita and Fred....

Physical activity is also good for your mental health. Experts believe exercise releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. Regular exercise can also boost your self-esteem and help you concentrate, sleep, look and feel better. The treadmill never appeals but oh to dance like Rita and Fred - how wonderful.....

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The Big Bang Theory

It never fails to make me laugh.....

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Be who you are...

Kurt Kobain, such true words....

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Be strong

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If you stumble...

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Never be afraid....

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Follow your heart

http://halfofyourlife.tumblr.com/

One small positive thought....

As seen on Pininterest

Respect yourself

Comfort Zone

From time to time decide to step outside of your comfort zone rather than allow life to do it for you.  I just need the confidence.
image found on pininterest

Hang in there baby

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Fat and sane or skinny and insane

It took months for my clinical psychiatrist to get the right combination of drugs to stabilise my deep depression.  Then suddenly I stopped crying.  The first few days I was walking on a cloud.  Now, a year on, they help me get through a day.  I don’t smile, laugh or enjoy anything.  I exist. 

The combination of drugs is complicated apparently – venalflaxine, quetiapine, mirtazapine and zopiclone.  Whenever I collect my monthly prescription I am overawed at the amount of tablets there are.  I’ve never been one to reach for a paracetamol or disprin at the first pang of pain.

OK, the drugs have stabilised my mood and my self-harming is under control.  But the side effect has been a huge amount of weight gain.  I don’t eat huge amounts of foods, limit my intake of chocolate and exercise each day. 

Whatever has been going on in my life I have always controlled my weight – not by the healthiest means though.  Starving myself, munching on laxatives, excessive exercise, diet tablets.  So the extra weight I am carrying now is awful.

Hating my body, even at my skinniest, has been a lifelong sentiment.  No I really can’t face my reflection or look at the vast expanse of flesh.

So the question is  fat and sane or skinny and insane?  I know which I prefer!

Smile

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