I'm a survivor

I've been struggling the past few weeks - dipping back into the deep dark hole.  But trying so hard to not to.  I'm going to the gym, Church - gathering courage to go to other things - to meet people, all my courage has been taken up by going there's none left to talk & meet people.

Work brings me down - I don't fit in,  the politics of the office are ridiculous.  Applying for jobs has not been fruitful.  But I don't know how to sell myself anymore - any ounce of confidence has gone.

Walking back from the gym today I was thinking about my CV and what strengths I could put down but could think of none - only failures.  Then I turned them around - and came to the conclusion I am a survivor.

• Broken home.
• Father that moved to the other side of the world and abandoned me.
• A mother that did not know what to do with me as a single parent so I was looked after by a great grandmother & grandmother as well as neighbours.
• A latch key kid.
• Bullied at every education establishment I've been to.
• Put down and ridiculed in work environments.
• Forced at knife point into sexual acts.
• Homeless.
• Raped.
• Held hostage.
• Six miscarriages.
• Violent relationships.
• Eating disorders.
• I've been on fire
• Numerous suicide attempts.
• Self harm.
• Home broken into seven times in two years.
• Tricked out of money.

But I've survived.  I've coped.  Is that enough though?  Yes and no. 

Yes - I know I'm not alone - my patchwork of life experiences has enabled me to be independent but afraid to follow my dreams which is suffocating.

No - Forming, keeping relationships and friendships takes so much trust - I have that initially then it goes.

All in all my life in very lonely but I try so hard to bring variety into it.

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