Ever since I can remember I have always had a sense of loneliness. As a child I didn't have many friends and my parents would alienate me even more by not allowing me to play with children who lived on the same road as myself or with school mates. Lunch times a school were horrendous, the lone child wandering the playground - I spent one awful hour tied to the fence with my hair as people took it in turns to kick a ball at me.
I would take myself out to the library on my own, then to hang around the local park. I would spend Sundays and summer holidays wandering the streets on my own because I didn't want to stay inside. I was fairly young when I started to do this (age 10 onwards). I would enviously look from a safe distance at the groups of friends laughing.
The same applies today - years on. There is no one I can call and say "fancy a coffee". It is my fault I have no one, as I have cut myself off because I am afraid of being hurt and have no self worth. Some days I can cope if I don't stop and think, but then are days like today when the wave of loneliness comes crushing down.
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