Shopping

As I grew older I ventured further in the summer holidays.  I even had a friend so we used to meet in a shopping centre that took me an hour to get to on a bus whereas her mum took and collected her.  Fourteen, hanging round the shops with a friend I felt good.  Then a group of guys started talking to us – I was so flattered.  They even told me I was pretty.  No one had ever called me pretty – at home I was called funny face and fatso.

My friend had to leave – one of the guts said he wanted to see me again so we arranged to meet a few days later.  I was so excited.  We met again, a couple of his friends were there – they were kind to me told me how wonderful I looked.  I was on cloud nine – butterflies fluttering around.  This went on over a three week period until one day the guy who had given me so much attention took me back to his flat.   So caring, persuasive.  Even being so scared and wanting to leave – his words and my total lack of self esteem meant I stayed.  I even went back because it was attention.  I was being told I was pretty.

Then the school term started and that was that.

It wasn’t until my breakdown and the therapy I received I was able to understand what happened.  Nowadays they call it grooming.  I was naive, I had no concept of how old these guys were.

The memories frighten me but they are memories that have been spoken rather than buried deep within me.

My mantra - Tiddles loves Rover .  I spent so long hating myself I need to love who I am and all that has shaped my life.  It's challenging.

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