You can't do that has been the mantra of my life.
Wanting to go further with ballet classes - "you're too clumsy". Loving music I played the violin but wanted something else so offered up a couple of choices - drums, "far too masculine, you can't do that", saxophone "your cheeks will get big, you can't do that". My love of playing the violin waned.
Still loving music at 14 I declared I want to be a DJ, I love music - "you're too quite, you can't do that"!
So I rebelled against every note that had been learnt opting for loud in your face music. Enjoying seeing local bands in local bars and travelling across London to hear obscure sounds.
A large child my focus on music had gone what could I focus on now? Food. Being home alone for a couple of hours each evening after school I would gorge on weird dried connections sch as frieze dried mashed potato with flour, icing sugar & water. My evening food was either eaten, thrown up or hurriedly thrown away. On a Sunday i would cook a roast - I loved being in the kitchen, in control. During my A levels I worked in a hospital kitchen as well as making crickets teas for twelve schools teams and football teas (sausage, beans and mash) for as many. Including taking half time orange slices out to them. All before the the age of 16.
Catering, I enjoy I thought. So rather than university I applied to catering colleges. Upon interview letters I was told by parents - "you don't want to do that, you can't cope in a working kitchen, you don't want to do hospitality". So I didn't - my eating disorder spiralled out of control - 50+ laxatives a day, little food, I weighed less than six stone.
At the same time I thought about a sandwich business, delivering to local offices - "don't be stupid, that won't work" - in the days prior to Pret a Manger etc. How it would gave worked!
Each time I have tried to do something positive to change my life it's been "you don't ant to do that" but if I do something that goes wrong there is no verbal warning. Why?
All my life I've carried the "you can't do that" mantra with me - it needs to be shaken off. because what I have done has been a disaster - so surely what I want to do (be a mother, live in a home where all are welcomed, be successful in business, a marriage that works, you bounce off each other) which has never changed in all my life.
Wanting to go further with ballet classes - "you're too clumsy". Loving music I played the violin but wanted something else so offered up a couple of choices - drums, "far too masculine, you can't do that", saxophone "your cheeks will get big, you can't do that". My love of playing the violin waned.
Still loving music at 14 I declared I want to be a DJ, I love music - "you're too quite, you can't do that"!
So I rebelled against every note that had been learnt opting for loud in your face music. Enjoying seeing local bands in local bars and travelling across London to hear obscure sounds.
A large child my focus on music had gone what could I focus on now? Food. Being home alone for a couple of hours each evening after school I would gorge on weird dried connections sch as frieze dried mashed potato with flour, icing sugar & water. My evening food was either eaten, thrown up or hurriedly thrown away. On a Sunday i would cook a roast - I loved being in the kitchen, in control. During my A levels I worked in a hospital kitchen as well as making crickets teas for twelve schools teams and football teas (sausage, beans and mash) for as many. Including taking half time orange slices out to them. All before the the age of 16.
Catering, I enjoy I thought. So rather than university I applied to catering colleges. Upon interview letters I was told by parents - "you don't want to do that, you can't cope in a working kitchen, you don't want to do hospitality". So I didn't - my eating disorder spiralled out of control - 50+ laxatives a day, little food, I weighed less than six stone.
At the same time I thought about a sandwich business, delivering to local offices - "don't be stupid, that won't work" - in the days prior to Pret a Manger etc. How it would gave worked!
Each time I have tried to do something positive to change my life it's been "you don't ant to do that" but if I do something that goes wrong there is no verbal warning. Why?
All my life I've carried the "you can't do that" mantra with me - it needs to be shaken off. because what I have done has been a disaster - so surely what I want to do (be a mother, live in a home where all are welcomed, be successful in business, a marriage that works, you bounce off each other) which has never changed in all my life.
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