As a child I knew I wanted children. Not because I played with dolls or was maternal in any way - I just knew - I wanted nurture and love another living thing so much.
A large child I was ridiculed about my weight not by school peers but by my family - "fatso", "funny face". And also by peers as I was so useless as sport. But there were other girls larger me, they didn't get picked on as they could catch a ball, play netball, tennis etc.
I was cooking footballs teas for over 100 people by the age of 15 (sausage, beans, mash) and cricket teas for the same amount during the summer (sandwiches, cakes etc). My summer job was working as catering help for a private hospital. Whilst I enjoyed making & preparing, eating was not a joy. I had so many dislikes and was very fussy about how things were cooked.
The summer I turned 16 I lost alot of weight, I loved it. Clothes were loose, I could see my ribs.
My parents advised me against a catering college course (which I had dreamed of) as I disliked food so went into banking (yawn) and have never been happy since chasing the ideal career.
Food became a foe - I wanted to eat what I enjoyed but wanted to be skinnier and skinnier. So grew my obsession with exercise (the glorious pain), monitoring very mouthful yet guzzling pot fulls of laxatives a week.
I got to just above five stone still thinking I was fat. I fell pregnant but my body could not withhold the strain. So miscarried at 16 weeks. I was pregnant six times in total - each time to 16 weeks but was told my body could not withstand the strain (I'd also had a good few beatings in an earlier life).
I hate that now I am past the recommended child bearing years, that I suffer from depression so have been rejected for adoption.
Wanting and having a child is not a pipe dream, it was my one dream yet it has eluded me - and I hate myself for it. Other manage it, abuse the gift they have been given.
When people moan about their children and what a burden they are - I want to shout and scream - give me that burden rather than the one of wanting something so much that others can have so naturally, yet I can't. And ion that you are made to feel so inadequate - you're not a mother you won't understand.
I want to curl up and forget everything.
A large child I was ridiculed about my weight not by school peers but by my family - "fatso", "funny face". And also by peers as I was so useless as sport. But there were other girls larger me, they didn't get picked on as they could catch a ball, play netball, tennis etc.
I was cooking footballs teas for over 100 people by the age of 15 (sausage, beans, mash) and cricket teas for the same amount during the summer (sandwiches, cakes etc). My summer job was working as catering help for a private hospital. Whilst I enjoyed making & preparing, eating was not a joy. I had so many dislikes and was very fussy about how things were cooked.
The summer I turned 16 I lost alot of weight, I loved it. Clothes were loose, I could see my ribs.
My parents advised me against a catering college course (which I had dreamed of) as I disliked food so went into banking (yawn) and have never been happy since chasing the ideal career.
Food became a foe - I wanted to eat what I enjoyed but wanted to be skinnier and skinnier. So grew my obsession with exercise (the glorious pain), monitoring very mouthful yet guzzling pot fulls of laxatives a week.
I got to just above five stone still thinking I was fat. I fell pregnant but my body could not withhold the strain. So miscarried at 16 weeks. I was pregnant six times in total - each time to 16 weeks but was told my body could not withstand the strain (I'd also had a good few beatings in an earlier life).
I hate that now I am past the recommended child bearing years, that I suffer from depression so have been rejected for adoption.
Wanting and having a child is not a pipe dream, it was my one dream yet it has eluded me - and I hate myself for it. Other manage it, abuse the gift they have been given.
When people moan about their children and what a burden they are - I want to shout and scream - give me that burden rather than the one of wanting something so much that others can have so naturally, yet I can't. And ion that you are made to feel so inadequate - you're not a mother you won't understand.
I want to curl up and forget everything.
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